It’s that time of my life when I’m unable to do anything except watch from a distance as my life crumbles down to nothing. Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. I’ve reduced Twitter usage and will possibly leave it entirely within one/two years. This isn’t supposed to be a gloomy post, I’m not supposed to be a gloomy host, but shit happens, and here we are, at a mental crossroads.
Tough decisions lie ahead (took this line from a horoscope paragraph) and the thought of growing up scares me too much. I mean I’m already grown up (not that anyone cares) but not in the sense that my family wants me to be. They think I’m far too mature and want me to become a bit more light-hearted towards the simulation that is life. I’m afraid the time to do that has passed ages ago. Having finished everything that was thrown at me, I am now at a loss for action. Life has seemingly exhausted itself of all kinds of challenges that it normally gives to a person of my age group (early- to mid-twenties) and again, I’m pretty bummed out.
There is no contest at this particular stage. I’ve thought about the concept in following paragraph since I became woke some years ago, and it still pains me to even think about the occurrence, or rather, the lack of occurrence.
All I want in my life is an arch nemesis. Being partially schizophrenic helped in fooling myself, for a sweet but short period of time, that there was a living entity that I could openly compete with and live the thrilling life I always wanted. But as I cured myself of the disease, I was left alone, wondering whether I actually have an enemy…
Very few people will realize how important it is for someone as disturbed, and disturbing, as me to have a credible goal, i.e. in this case, a counterpart. A white to my black (not talking about dick colors here), a right to my wrong. As I write this, I cannot help but wonder if there’s a worthy opponent out there feeling the same way I am. Suddenly I can relate to fictional characters who went into depressed states when their fictional rival was absent. I now know what melancholy means.
This might seem like a daft post to you. It’s not. I really crave for a worthy adversary at this point. Even better if it’s a female. I would absolutely love a hoe foe.